Some tips for the guys

I'll defer these to my friend Risky, who knows better what a woman wants than a woman..

www.risky949.blogspot.com

Some pointers for the ladies

Fellatio is oral sex performed on a man. It is a great way to give pleasure; regardless of whether it is for foreplay, after play, or the main event. Like all other sexual skills, they must be learned, so communication is highly recommended. Whether the communication is before, during, or after, it is essential to learn the art. Finding out what he likes will invariably go a long way towards performing mind-blowing oral sex. Keep in mind, when you are performing oral sex, you are doing this for him. Sending negative vibes about not wanting to or how much of a chore it is will take away from his experience. If you act enthusiastic, chances are it will be over faster, and it will be your turn to receive. If you are really against performing fellatio, explain to your partner why you don’t, and don’t allow him to force you if you are uncomfortable. Cleanliness is essential with virtually all forms of sexual play; particularly in oral sex where a bad taste or smell will undoubtedly dampen enthusiasm on the part of the giver. A bath or shower is a great primer, and can be the start of the festivities. If you are uncomfortable with a particular smell that your partner may have, suggest taking a shower with you, because you’ve had a busy day and don’t feel clean. You don’t want to point out the smell (unless it is a very common occurrence and can be prevented), as that will only lead to anxieties and take away from the overall experience.

Positioning
Finding an agreeable position for fellatio is usually not a difficult task. Both the man receiving fellatio and the person performing fellatio need to be comfortable. For deep throating, it is wiser to choose a position where the angle of the penis and the angle of your throat are somewhat aligned.

The Basics
SToo often oral sex is initiated by sucking on the penis. To achieve a more powerful orgasm, it is better practice to start with some teasing. With the exception of a quickie, fellatio should be started with some well placed teasing. Start by kissing and licking around his penis, on the inner thighs, then on to his testicles, and then slowly up his shaft towards his glans (the head of his penis). Once you get there, use your tongue to tickle him around the glans, and especially on his frenulum, the split on the underside of his penis. At this point, he should be hard as a rock and super-sensitive to everything that you do. You can continue teasing if you like, but we don’t recommend teasing too long, as this can become frustrating for the receiver. One common problem women performing fellatio make is using only their mouth to repeatedly stroke his penis. They continue doing this until either it works, or they get a sore jaw and neck. A good “blow job” should not be too repetitive, should include stroking using a hand and the exploration of his testicles, thighs and (if you and he like) the anal region. By mixing up your style, you allow your muscles to relax, you can avoid getting a sore neck and you can improve your performance. How you mix it up should depend on what your partner’s likes. Although there is a lot to say about fellatio that can get the job done in a matter of minutes, it is the longer ones that usually result in more intense orgasms, and coincidently are remembered. It is a good idea to keep an eye on his scrotum (his testicle “sack”), as it is usually a good indicator of how close he is to coming. As a guy gets closer to climax, the skin on his scrotum tightens and pulls his testicles towards his body to warm them up. You can let this happen on its own, or help out by stimulating his testicles with a hand, tongue, or mouth.

More Advanced
Once you get the basics, and are comfortable and experienced with them, there are a lot of options to increase the pleasure. One option is using lubricants on his shaft. This will allow you to stroke faster without causing irritation. There are a wide variety of products that can be used,this includes: flavored lubricants, lubricants that heat up when blown on or rubbed, water based, oil based and many others. On this note, using whipped cream, spreads, and other food can also be incorporated to make the “blow job” more erotic. Sex toys can add more stimulation. Whether it is a regular vibrator, a vibrating cock ring, or an oral simulator, these toys can greatly intensify the stimulation. These days, there is virtually a sex toy for everything and everyone. If your man likes to experiment, we recommend stimulating his prostate gland with your finger or an anal toy to take his orgasms to a whole new world of pleasure. Another more difficult to master skill is deep throating. In this, the performer takes the entire penis into the mouth and down the throat - hence the name. In many cases, the sensation is so intense that climax in men comes quickly. As enjoyable as this may be, it takes time to learn to control your gag reflex. You can train your gag reflex by trying to take as much of the penis as you can when performing fellatio. Your partner should restrain from any thrusting during this exercise! With time, you will be able to go deeper and deeper, until finally you’ll be able to take the whole thing.

Ejaculation
Most men find it very erotic to have a partner swallow their semen, but if you really don’t feel comfortable with it, don’t do it. Options include: catching it in your mouth, then spitting it out; using a tissue to catch it; or, just letting it shoot and clean up the mess afterwards. To find out more about semen, we suggest reading our article on male ejaculation. Many women stop performing fellatio right after their man ejaculates. Instead, you should continue to gently stimulate orally or with your hand for a minute or two longer. After a climax, the penis becomes much more sensitive, so try giving it to him a little longer. Be careful though, some men find this after-play too intense to handle.

Warnings and Suggestions
Very few men like the feeling of teeth on their penis. Teeth can cause discomfort, cuts, and scratches to the skin if you are not careful. This is easily avoided by tucking your lips around your teeth before you take the penis in your mouth. The use of condoms is highly recommended in the practice of safer sex. If you are not sure of your partner’s sexual history, it is strongly advised that you use a condom while performing any sexual act. If you want something a little more interesting try using a flavored condom and by all means stay away from the lubricated variety (the lubricants used on condoms taste horrible). A good suggestion for anyone using a condom during fellatio is to buy a flavored lubricant to turn a normal latex condom into a tasty condom. The normal rubbery taste of a regular condom can be all but eliminated by unrolling, washing (with mild soap and water), rinsing, drying and re-rolling (if for later use).

A Little Introspection(Letter to Lori II)

It was pointed out that if I posted this, to make sure and have my facts straight. Otherwise it would just sound like I was venting. I'm writing this to Lori, because it's easier to write something that concerns her TO her. So these are the facts as I remember them.




It has been suggested to me, by more than one person, my mother included, that perhaps I need to examine the reason(s), that I feel the need to fuck around. Since this can have nothing but positive results for my growth as a person, I decided to take on this rather monumental project. But for the time being, I’m going to confine my reasons for why I felt the need to seek sex outside of OUR relationship. That’s because most of that is still fresh in my mind. I’m not trying to make excuses or justify anything I did, just understand what drove me to make bad decisions.
As I stated in our conversation last night, I just never felt that you gave our relationship the attention it deserved. There was always one thing or another drawing you in a different direction. Not only did I feel sometimes like a low priority, sometimes I felt like I wasn’t a priority at all. Keep in mind here, I’m not criticizing, just making observations and trying to understand some things about myself. It helps me to put it in writing. That way I can see it in front of me. Anyway, I digress. You told me yourself one time, early on, that you had built a wall, and you weren’t going to let me or anyone else in. What was I supposed to think of a comment like that? But, me, being the either blind or foolish man I am, just blew that comment off. I thought, and perhaps still do, that I had enough love in my heart for the both of us. I should have seen some things then I see very clearly now. You never were very big on public displays of affection. I’m a touchy person, and for some reason, it felt to me like that appalled you. Sometimes you even acted like I was more of a pain-in the -ass that you barely tolerated having around. And contrary to your statement last week about everything ALWAYS having to be about me, it has been brought to my attention, by people who know us, is that quite the opposite is true. I know you going to say “They’re not living my life” and that’s true! I don’t think any of them are being judgmental, just making observations. But the general consensus is that for the past 12 years I have let you roll all over me. I never looked at it that way, but perhaps I was too close to the situation.
When was the last time you told me I looked nice, or was handsome, or had done a good job on something? Was it that hard for you to say something nice about me? You have said for awhile that I wasn’t talking nicely to you! And you have also said that people tend to talk to you the way you talk to them. Ring any bells? Has it ever occurred to you that the reason I was snarky to you was because snarky is what I was getting from you? I’ll bet not. I don’t think you’ve complimented me more than a dozen times in the last 12 years. About anything. And doing a good job with something you asked me to do? Geez, would it have hurt once in awhile to say something I did was great?
I think the kicker in the whole thing, and there’s always a kicker, is that I felt like I was competing with everything and everyone else for your attention. It felt to me like it was pulling teeth to get you to spend some time with me. I’m not saying this because I need my little ego massaged, but because that’s the way I perceive it. Let’s review a second, I feel like a fifth wheel, unappreciated, and not wanted, just barely tolerated. Hmmmm. And this went on for a long time, and I just rolled, against my better judgment.
Enter Denise. To tell you the truth, before she came to my shift, I just thought she was a snooty bitch. Good looking and she knew it. So full of herself. That was my perception. The only time we interacted at all when she first got there was when a call went off, and similar work related stuff. We talked a little, but not a lot. She always said good morning, and was pleasant to talk to. My perceptions began to change. She wasn’t such a snooty bitch after all. Keep in mind, my mindset in regards to our relationship. I felt I was competing for your attention with EVERYTHING and EVERYONE! I barely got 5 minutes with you before there was some problem with a kid, which you’ve made yourself very clear on, or your mom, or Chad, which we’ve already discussed and will discuss more. I got more attention from her at work than I was getting from you at home. The thought of the sex thing hadn’t even entered my mind yet. I was just craving the attention , and was getting it from her, when I should have been getting it from you.
As you have so rightly pointed out, my perception of not getting any sex at home was wrong. Oh we were having a lot of sex, but it seemed to me that you were just going through the motions. I got the distinct impression that you were just doing it to get it out of the way. Even in that aspect of our relationship, it seemed like I wasn’t a really high priority. Oh you got off, but it seemed muted somehow. It’s always much more fun with a willing lover, who’s enjoying the experience, and who is getting into as much as I am. It just seemed to me like you thought we were just “fucking”. There was no fire or passion. The act itself felt somehow corrupted by your lack of enthusiasm. It rubbed off on me, too. And I ended up just going thru the motions as well. Without any fire or passion.
It was then I started thinking of Denise as someone I could have! It might help me bring the fire and passion back into me. Again, I’m not making excuses, just trying to examine my mind set at the time. In some warped way, I thought that if I could get some fire back into myself, I could help you get the fire back as well. Pretty twisted, I know. Our conversations took on a decidedly more sexual tone. I finally decided that I should just be blunt. What I thought was going to be a piece of cake proved difficult. She said that she was in a relationship at the time, and that I was “married”. That was the exact word she used. A conscience. I was shocked. So while I became less blunt, I still threw the subject out there once in awhile.
It was then I came up with a idea I thought for sure would get her in bed. I was fond of her, but what if I told her I loved her? From my own experience, some women need an emotional attachment before having sex. I threw that “line” at her one day, and to my surprise, she just said she understood and that these kind of things happen. Not the result I expected. So over the course of time, I got her some little cards, would sent her E-mails, on the off chance her resistance broke down.
Let me start here by saying that I DID NOT use this with you. I was in love with you from the beginning. That wasn’t and still isn’t an act just to get you in bed. If you recall, we waited 18 months before we had sex. It was difficult sometimes, but I was happy to wait, because I wanted you to be really involved, and not just doing it because I was pressuring you. I remember like yesterday the first time we made love. It was after the company Christmas party in December of ‘94. I bet you’d thought I’d forgotten.
Anyway, you know the rest, you found the E-mails, her Brad found the cards. The whole thing blew up in my face! What was supposed to be a simple piece of ass turned into a fucking nightmare. And just for the record, she has never budged from her position of not having sex. Zip, nada, zero, zilch! IS NOT going to happen. By now the damage has already been done. I am forced to live every day with the consequences of my own stupidity. Doing damage control when I should be with you. I don’t know if any of this makes any sense. But looking at this and finally putting it all together makes it all the more clearer how really idiotic I’ve been. Instead of coming to you, I went elsewhere. Maybe I’ve answered the question I started my blog with, am I an idiot! To me at this point in time, the answer is painfully obvious.

a letter to Lori...

You know, you said tonite that I am gonna think what I want and you’re gonna think what you want and that’s just the way it is. That very true, you also said that I am the way I am, and you are the way you are. Also true. As I said then I am very willing to try and understand why you do some of the things you do, but I get the impression that you’re not interested in how I feel or why I sometimes do the things that I do. Doesn’t seem fair. Seems pretty one sided. I know, I’m fond of the saying "life’s a bitch and then you die"., but you know what I may have to revise that statement.. I know I have hurt you in ways that I cannot even imagine. It breaks my heart that I have done this to you! And I will fully admit to my mistakes as far as we are concerned. I fucked up, OK? I know this. My point tonight was that you have done things in the last 12 years that have wounded me deeply, but I said nothing. Simply because I didn’t want a confrontation or that you’d think I was being unreasonable. By doing some of the things we discussed tonight, I felt like I wasn’t important to you, and I felt that you weren't taking our relationship seriously enough to want to hear my opinion on the subject. Have I ever told you the night you and Chad went to his 20 year reunion, I got so stinkingly drunk uptown at the Sweetcorn Festival, that I almost got arrested for public drunkenness? No I haven’t because you would have thought I was just being stupid. When what I was really trying to do was kill the pain. It felt like you were just going with him to avoid a confrontation with him, without thinking about how it made me feel! While I’ve learned, and should’ve known then, was that the alcohol only kills the pain until it wears off, then the situation is still there. At which point you can either drink some more, or bury it so deep so you don’t have to feel it. I chose to bury it, in as much as I’m not a big drinker to start with. It has taken it’s toll. I adored you then and I adore you now, but came to resent the fact that it seemed that my feelings about this were unimportant to you. Then guilt began to set in about the resentment. A vicious circle! How can I resent someone I’m in love with? It’s not right. So then I stuffed the resentment and the guilt down with the pain and it’s just sat there and festered for a long time. Not a good combination. I should have told you, but was afraid. Afraid of hurting you. Afraid you’d leave. Afraid that you would think I was being weak! You name it, I was afraid of it. But you know, the time has come for me to go "all in" as they say. I’m in love with you, and I have been since the minute I laid eyes on you. I have made mistakes in our relationship I’m not proud of! I hurt you when I should have been thinking of you only and I am sorry. Just thought you need to know this. Talk to you later.

The real me....

It was suggested to me today by my friend, R, that it's my blog, and I should put on here whatever I want. No holds barred, nothing hidden, no brain or heart filtering for others. And you know what, she's right. I don't think Lori has ever seen the real me, the inner me, full of passion and fire and life. I think I always filtered for her, so as to not scare her or upset her. In the last few days, it seems I've got my will and determination back. The fire. So from now on, as they say in the poker world, I'm "all in". So whether it be about my feelings or just in general, what you see is what you got. Damn the topedoes, full speed ahead..............

I saw this on the web somplace. Can't recall where, but it struck a chord.

They amputated
Your thighs off my hips.
As far as I'm concerned
They are all surgeons.
All of them.

They dismantled us
Each from the other.
As far as I'm concerned
They are all engineers.
All of them.A pity.

We were such a good
And loving invention.
An aeroplane made from a man and woman.
Wings and everything.
We hovered a little above the earth.

We even flew a little.

Another day...

Music plays an important part it my life. I envy those with the talent, but realize that I have my own unique talents. Sometimes it seems the artist has reached in and pulled out a piece of me. Here's one of the many songs that have touched me over the years.


THE BITTER PILL
Warrant

Sometimes I'm lost - And then I'm found
Sometimes I feel - Turned inside out
I'm often silent when I'm screaming inside
Instead of love - We tend to hate
We never quite - Apprecaite
How much the other person cares or tries
Hold me close
Don't ever let me go
I'm confused
Maybe someday I will know why...

Sometimes I'm right as rain
And when it rains it pours
You're such a mystery
Why can't I unlock the door
All that glitters isn't gold
Too much is overkill
Love can be beautiful
Or a bitter pill

And when I'm right - I'm also wrong
We give and take - To get along
There's so much more to this
Than I ever dreamed
And when you smile - I have to laugh
And when you cry - I'm torn in half
So calm and yet so loose at the seams

Hold me close
Don't ever let me go
I'm confused
Maybe someday I will know why...

Sometimes I'm right as rain
And when it rains it pours
You're such a mystery
Why can't I unlock the door
All that glitters isn't gold
Too much is overkill
Love can be beautiful
Or a bitter pill


OPERA
Liebe kahn eine bittere pille sein
Eine bittere pille
Liebe ist eine bittere pille
Liebe kahn eine bittere pille sein
[German to English translation
Love a bitter pill can be
A bitter pill
Love is a bitter pill
A bitter pill]
MAD GERMAN
Ich will ein bier
Ich will be soffen sein
Die ganze welt is dumm
Mir steht es so im hals
Ich sage dir
Die liebe kann nur luge sein
[Sketchy German to English translation:
I want a beer
I want to get drunk
The whole world is stupid
It's a pain in the neck
It's a myth
He who loves exists in lies

Stuff....

Mom dropped off a little file container of stuff I had written Lori early in our relationship. One was a poem, I didn't write it, but wrote it down because I liked it. I'll put it in here because it kind of sums up ME at this point.

Dark and dirty

Like you have never seen

A mind so twisted

With thoughts so unclean

My heart is racing

All tattered and torn

I stand here naked

as the day I was born

The sky is falling

On this setting sun

Echoes of silence

Ring loud and long

This isolation

is the king of pain

A lost horizon

in an ocean of flames

I couldn't get past the 3rd or 4th piece of paper before I had to put it away. The kicker, and there's always a kicker, was that I picked up the lyrics to "Bed of Roses". I put the whole thing in the closet and sat in my chair and cried. Ouch! I'll get it out again, when I think I can deal with the flood of emotions it's sure to bring!

Bed Of Roses

Bed Of Roses
J. Bon Jovi

Sitting here wasted and wounded
at this old piano
Trying hard to capture
the moment this morning I don't know
'Cause a bottle of vodka
is still lodged in my head
And some blonde gave me nightmares
I think she's still in my bed
As I dream about movies
they won't make of me when I'm dead

With an ironclad fist I wake up and
French kiss the morning
While some marching band keeps
its own beat in my head
While we're talking
About all of the things that I long to believe
About love and the truth and
what you mean to me
And the truth is baby you're all that I need

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonite I sleep on a bed on nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on bed of roses

Well I'm so far away
That each step that I take is on my way home
A king's ransom in dimes
I've given each night
Just to see through this payphone
Still I run out of time
Or it's hard to get through
Till the bird on the wire
flies me back to you
I'll just close my eyes and whisper,
baby blind love is true

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonite I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on bed of roses

The hotel bar hangover whiskey's gone dry
The barkeeper's wig's crooked
And she's giving me the eye
I might have said yeah
But I laughed so hard I think I died
When you close your eyes
Know I'll be thinking about you
While my mistress she calls me
To stand in her spotlight again
Tonite I won't be alone
But you know that don't
Mean I'm not lonely
I've got nothing to prove
For it's you that I'd die to defend

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonite I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on bed of roses

Voices from the abyss...

Hard to realize....

I know that none of us makes anyone do anything. But I also think that sometimes our actions make others think we do. I am aware that I didn't make her stay married, or just pack up and leave. But I am also aware that at this point, I am a scapegoat for all the things that have happened. I don't think she is capable of a little introspection right now. I'm just going to let her vent, and take care of "my own side of the street"(thanks, Linda)! I normally would just agree with her, to keep the peace, but since the peace has been upset at the point, it seems like an exercise in futilty. and I have always felt somewhat inadequete around her. Might just be my own insecurity. Which also might explain my need to seek out sexual encounters outside the relationship. My goodness, introspection!!! Just noticed I seem to like the phrase "at this point". Anyway, I need to clean up my own backyard, and she needs to clean up hers, if we're to move forward, even if it's only as friends.

Ewwwwwww......

Seem to be in a bit of a funk today. Can't quite put my finger on it. I'm thinking the events of the last 2 weeks might be taking their toll, finally. I almost dreaded coming home. At least at work, there's people around and things I can do to occupy myself. Here, I'm by myself, with the dog, computer and TV for company. Contrary to what Lori thinks, I would rather have her for company than a frakking computer, hands down. And the house just feels so EMPTY!!

A little of both.....

As you may have surmised from reading some of the posts, I have not been the perfect partner. Time for eating a little crow. I am not blameless for the current situation, nor was I blameless in the breakup of my marriage. I tend to have a "gunslinger" mentality when it comes to sex sometimes, another notch in the gun, so to speak. I've been told this is common among men, and to a degree some women. Not one of my shining virtues. So, not any saints here. Just another human being.
Lori called last night, and we talked for quite awhile. She asked why during all this, I'd not asked her to come back. Like I was disinterested about the whole thing. I replied I would love for her to come back, but I need to take steps to ensure I won't hurt her again. So I said I'm not disinterested, just repairing the dam, so to speak. I said when I'm ready, and when she's ready, we'd discuss it again. She also asked me to define love. ????? I don't think I'd ever had someone ask me that. And my answer, was to me unsatisfactory. A partner, a companion, sharing, being with. Something you feel between you(thanks, Sammy). I don't think I could put into words what I think love is. I'm hoping my answer didn't sound like so much jibberish to her and that she at least somewhat understands what I was trying to get across. She also stated that she was irritated with me for making her do this. I almost got pissed, but then realized that yes, she had done what she needed to do right now for HER peace of mind. Well I need to get ready for work, another day in the pits. More to follow...

Tapestries

Here I go borrowing from my friend again:


Each of us is a vital thread in another person's tapestry
....our lives are woven together for a reason.
One of the best things to hold
onto in this world is a friend!

Anon

She said, he said.....

She stopped by this morning and we talked for about an hour and a half. I didn't bring up most of the questions and statement I had written down, because I felt they would be counter-productive and wouldn't help anything. Besides, Beth told me that some of them sounded like a personal attack. That would not have helped. We both got some things off our chests. I stated that I felt that by her not getting a divorce, that she never really gave us a chance from te beginning. She said she never really felt that was the right thing to do, and I understand that. She said, for her part, that the "Denise" episode had hurt her more than I possibly could imagine. I finally(!) told her the truth about that whole episode. That the whole reason I EVER started any communication with Denise was to try and get laid, pure and simple. To which she stated, why. I told her that at the time I didn't feel I was getting the sex I needed at home, so I thought I could get it somewhere else. Her low self-esteem then went into high , and she assumed there was then something wrong with her. I'm not sure she understood that it had NOTHING to do with her, that it had EVERYTHING to do with me. I tried to explain it was not her, but a character defect in me that allowed that to happen. I'm not sure she understood. It's something about myself that I'm not always real proud of. I think we can be friends, but she has her issues to work on, and I have mine. I made decisions that affected her, and she made some that affected me.
I'm am still tring to digest all this, but right now there's a certain sense of serenity I haven't had to awhile. Personal growth, I don't know. I am trying, and right now, I am at ease. Again, a front? Only time will tell. One day at a time.

She HATES Star Trek

Trying to get my movies organized. Came across " Star Trek V: The Final Frontier" Kind of a bad Trek film, but it has it's moments. Anyway, there's the scene where Sybok tells Captain Kirk to share his pain, and he can take it away. And the response which struck a chord, even though I've seen the movie a hundred time is "Damn it, Bones, you're a doctor, you know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with the wave of a magic wand. They're the things that we carry with us, the things that make us who we are! If we lose them we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away, I need my pain!" It just seems appropriate. I know, another Trekkie!!! http://www.startrek.com/startrek/view/index.html

A dirge???

I borrowed this from a friend's blog. I hope they don't mind. It somehow seems fitting considering my frame of mind right now!

I loved
But I love no more...
You loved
But you love no more...
We loved
But we love no more...
The sounds of no more consumes me in a pit
A pit called sorrow.


and for those of you who were wondering, she does have a name. It's Lori
http://risky949.blogspot.com/

Sick, huh?

I’ve been going over events of the last 12 years in my head. I know, sick huh? I keep seeing times we had together and things we did together. All the trips to Ohio. The camping trip to Kettle Morraine. Redoing the house after we moved in. The cruise to the Bahamas. I can’t shake the feeling there is something she’s not telling me and has been going on for the last twelve years. My gut tells me there is something definitely not right. Friends have suggested maybe I’m just grasping a straws here, trying to inject logic into a situation without logic. I don’t know about that, but I just can’t shake this feeling. I guess I’ll find out today or tomorrow.
Another thought that keeps running through my mind is this. I know for a fact that their's was a virtually sexless marriage long before I met her. Now, after 12 years, she's gone from whenever she wanted it, to none. I'm safe, a proven commodity. From her point of view, I'm very unlikly to turn her down. I never could. Hell, when we were in bed we were GOOD! What scares me is that she's probably right! I'm don't think I have the strength or willpower to resist her if she proposes some kind of "enhanced friends" relationship. I am well aware of the danger of this. This leaves me vulnerable to all kinds of emotional damage. Just another hook? Could be. I can't tell at this point. I don't think I can disengage my penis from my heart with her. I never could, even if she thought all we were doing was just "fucking". My, what a twisted web we weave!! I've thought about sending her the link for this blog, but my fear is then it will just turn out to be a big bitch forum between her and I, and I've had enough fighting with her at this point.

More from the front!

Have been discussing the situation with friends, and the general opinion has been that for most of, if not all of our time together, she was using the hubby as a safety net in case her and I didn't work out. It was also put to me that for 12 years, she's had the best of both worlds, and eventually her conscience caught up with her, and it was just easier to dump me than get out of her marriage. As I said in an earlier posting (well crap) she wants to come up tomorrow or Thursday, says she has something to give me. I've asked if she could stay and talk a little bit, to which she agreed. This has my friends wondering if I'm now the safety net in case the current arrangement doesn't work out. That's a scary thought. I've prepared some questions and just general statements for her, but at this point I am unsure she will able to answer them truthfully, if at all. They are

1. You said the other day you couldn't answer the question of whether you ever loved me. Does that mean that for the last twelve years we were just fuck buddies, or I was just some kind of living sex toy.

2. How dare you say I'm not in love with you? How arrogant and presumptuous is that?

3. I can't begin to count how many times in the past 12 years you've told me I wasn't in love with you. Who were you trying to convince, me or you?

4. I know you were angry that I was sneaking behind you back talking to Denise. From my perspective, what you were doing communicating with Chad was exactly the same thing. Kind of hypocritical, don't you think. So spare me the self-righteous, sanctimonious bullshit. You're no better than I am.


6. You know in all these years, I don't think I've ever heard you explain why you never divorced. Since we're being honest here, I'd like to hear the REAL reason. That is if you’re not afraid to. Was it because you knew that sooner or later you were going back? I’m curious.

7. I am a firm believer in God speaking to us. I am also a firm believer in free will. God may or may not have spoken to you, I can't say. What I can say is you made the final choice, don't go blaming God. He doesn't make mistakes, and we were not a mistake! The right thing to do? Please!! The right thing to do would have been to stay with him in the first place. That way I wouldn’t have invested 12 years of my heart in you and we wouldn’t be having this conversation. The God I believe in wants us to be happy. Not miserable, and at this point in my life I’m not a very cheery or happy person!

8. Did you know I would have done anything to help “us”. Changed jobs, moved away. Whatever you wanted. I’ll bet not.

9. How is it that you can be way from someone for that long and still have feelings for them besides the bond of being parents of children?


I'm sure I'll think of more by the time she gets here. My friends are worried that she's communicating with me to keep me hooked in case that doesn't work, like I said. I'm not sure. But I don't think at this point, I'm strong enough to keep it from happening. I'll be posting more as things develop.

Well Crap

She called me tonite and wants to come here Weds or Thurs to "give me something". Now I'm really confused. I'm not going to get my hopes up, but the situation gets stranger by the day. The hubby is an over-the-road trucker, and is gone alot. So she's there basically by herself. I will just wait and see I guess. I guess this is my fault for being such a putz.

Am I an idiot?

Just let me start by saying I'm a 50 yr old divorced man with grown kids. For the last twelve years I've been seeing a wonderful woman. My firey redhead, I called her. We met at work, she was separated from her husband at that time. Had been for a year. We started dating and I fell deeply in love with this woman. We dated for 6 years, and in 2000, I bought a house and we moved in together with her 3 boys. All this time she was still married but separated. When ever I would bring up the idea of her divorce, she would get defensive and say no one could judge her that wasn't in her shoes. Eventually I quit bringing up the divorce thing, not wanting to upset her. In 2003 I tried to start a physical affair at work with another woman, because I was not, in my opinion, getting the sex I needed at home. Needless to say, that bit me in the butt and my live-in found out about it. She threatened to leave, but I convinced her I was willing to go to couples counseling if she was. We went to about 6 months worth, once a week. Things started to improve between us, and the sex life really heated up. She was willing to try new things and actually tell me what she wanted, which had been a problem.. Everything was going well. Then about a year ago, I noticed an increase in cell phone traffic between her and the husband. I mentioned this to her, telling her I was feeling uneasy about the more than usual communication between them. I also mentioned the divorce thing again, for the first time in 2 years. She said she wasn't ready to get a divorce(?), and that they were talking about the kids.Things went on a downward spiral from there. Communication virtually ceased. As did sex. She would go into the bedroom and watch TV and I would stay in the living room and do the same. The tension in the house was thick. Her 17 year old son started staying out late, because her and I were always arguing and he didn't want to deal with stress. I couldn't blame him. Then on March 3rd, I came home from work to find her and all her stuff gone. I called her, she said she had moved her shit out, she was just tired of the whole thing. I asked her if we could at least talk about it. She said yes, but didn't know what I hoped to accomplish or what I wanted from her. She said we should wait a week and then we could meet for lunch. The week went by, me trying to put the house in order, and get my shit together. When she pulled up at the eatery, she was driving the hubby's truck. My heart just went to my feet.To try and be brief, she had left and moved back in with the hubby. She said she cared for me, but that she didn't love me. Also, that she still had feelings for him. I guess I knew in my mind that there was always the possiblity that she would go back to him, but after being separated for 14 years, I didn't think it was likely. I've muddled through the last two weeks and tried to keep busy. My parents and my kids have been supportive and I am grateful. My mom asked me, that if my SO decided that she had made a mistake by going back to her husband, and wanted to come back to me, would I take her back? I thought for a moment and then told her yes. Am I an idiot?