5/31/2006

7/5/94

7/5/94     

Hi babe,
     Thanks for sharing with me today.  I had a few thoughts on the way home I thought you should know.
     I think your Aunt Tina and your grandma have mistaken my politeness and respect for my elders as a sign of weakness.  It is not.  I would be more than happy to tell them exactly what I think of them.  As far as that goes, no one is going to be good enough in their eyes.  Personally I think they should worry about other things, but that’s just my opinion!
     I didn’t answer you today when you asked what would happen if you decided that you and I were not want you wanted.  The reason I didn’t answer is because I think you already know the answer.  I would be devastated, to say the least.  Broken hearts are not a lot of fun.  I’ve been there, I know.  But as I’ve said before, that would not be your problem, would it?  You can say it would, but it would not be.  I’ve learned(and you need to learn) that going around trying to please other people does nothing but bring pain and grief.  The reason people manipulate you is because you let them.  Quit doing that.  As far as you messing up another life, BULLSHIT!!!  I chose this path, and regardless of the consequences, I must see it through.  If I had not chosen to tell you I love you, then I would have been kicking myself in the ass for the rest of my life.  You may debate this, but you are good for me.  You’ve opened my mind to new possibilities that I’ve never even considered before.
     Some other thing to consider and that we need to talk about:
1) The things I do for you I do because I want to.  Not because you want me to.
2) The rules and reasons for staying  in marriage or not are different now than they’ve ever been before.  The rules of 10 or 20 years ago do not apply anymore.  Maybe they never did.
3)The only reason to bring either Linda or Chad  into a discussion about us is as an example.  Otherwise they are irrelevant to any discussion about you and I.  
4) This is what I want from you right now.  I want you to be my friend and confidant.  I want you to be a lover and a part-time companion.  I do not want anything more from you than what we have right now.  Most of all I want you to hold my hand, and walk with me, hold me when I’m lonely.  Do things with me when they fit your time schedule, and not mine.
     I have to get dressed now, but remember this.  I will do almost anything you ask.  And contrary to what you think, I DO love you.  And I’ll love you tomorrow as well.

                              …my life for you
                                 Craig


P.S. Beth made this for you and I last night when we got home from the fireworks.  She wants you to have it.

6/16/94

6/16/94

Do you miss me when I'm gone?
Do you miss my laugh
and my smile?
Do you miss my kiss,
and my touch?
Do you miss the way
my eyes sparkle when
I'm around you?
I would hope the
answers to these questions
are yes, because if you
were to ask me the same
questions, the answers to
all of them, and many more
would be yes
I hope you know that.

...into hell and back

5/29/2006

A Madman..

I've been running around the past few days like a madman, painting, gardening, doing odds and ends. I've accomplished quite a bit, but felt the need to examine why I'm doing all this activity at this point in time. The only thing I can come up with is that I'm trying to occupy my mind with other things, besides thinking how much I miss Lori.

5/28/2006

Just dapper...



5/26/2006

Second Opinion

Second Opinion


I wrote this E-mail to Lori a couple of weeks ago:

Hi,
    I did have a few things I wanted to talk to you about today, but as soon as you walked in the door all thoughts of that just went right out the window.  I was just so glad to see you, that I completely lost my train of thought.     
    As for the dog and I missing you, we do.  Me more so than him, I think he misses the cats more than he misses you.  I miss you terribly, but I know that's hard for you to believe at the moment.  As for you taking so long to do the "right" thing, that just doesn't change the way I feel about you or ease the pain and longing I feel everyday.  It's a struggle to make it through each day.  And not a day goes by that I don't have a memory or a thought of you.  My mother asked me how long I was going to subject myself to this torture, and I really didn't have an answer for her.  Sorry I guess I'm rambling again.
    Thanks for stopping by.  Enjoy the DVD and the CD.  I hope you don't wait so long before you stop by for a visit again.  Talk to you later!
 
I truly and deeply do love you!!!
Craig


I sent it to a friend of mine to get their opinion on what I’d said, because I value their opinion, this is what they had to say:

Hi, wow, that is nice, I’m sure your mind did go blank when she arrived. I do see you did a great job of letting her know how you feel about her; you said it in such meaning. As for the part about it "taking so long for her to do the right thing," my own opinion, it sounds like she does want to keep you there in case she does change her mind but what if that isn't for 12 years like this time? I understand you wanting to wait, I do understand the feeling of not being able to move on, it took me a year and a half but I just hope it doesn't tear you apart sitting there thinking she's coming back one day and that day never getting here. I feel like your Mom said, how long are you going to do this to yourself but you know what, you and only you have to be the judge of that, I sure hope she hasn't left you with the idea she is coming back for sure and just not sure when that will be. I don't mean to hurt you but that's how I do feel.

I have always trusted this person’s opinion and insight, but in this instance I very much hope they’re wrong!!

Memorial Day

On this Memorial Day weekend, I think we all need to take the time to thank any veterans we know for their sacrifice, and to remember those that have made the ultimate sacrifice, that we can enjoy all the freedoms we do and that most of us take for granted. Thanks, dad!! (U.S. Army, Korea)

5/25/2006

tenacious
Function: adjective
continuing despite difficulties, opposition, or discouragement -- see PERSISTENT

per·se·ver·ance
Pronunciation: "p&r-s&-'vir-&n(t)sFunction: noun: the action or condition or an instance of persevering : STEADFASTN

relentless
Function: adjective
showing no signs of slackening or yielding in one's purpose -- see UNYIELDING 1

American Idol, or American Idiots?

Taylor Hicks of “American Idol” received 63.4 Million votes to become the show’s latest winner. 63.4 MILLION votes. That's more than any presidential candidate in U.S. history!!! I realize the show is a certifiable hit with viewers. I for one , am not one of them. While other people are talking “around the water cooler” about the previous night’s show, I just roll my eyes, shake my head, and walk off, worried about the fate of this country. It’s sad when the voter turnout for a frakking TV show is better than most elections in this country. What does that say about our priorities? A little troublesome if you ask me. Just a thought.

5/24/2006

New Tools

I've discovered a new tool to use with my blog. It let's me publish directly from MS word to my blog. And I get all the formatting and editting tools of Word. I found it on Google Software.

1/31/94
6:25 PM

Hi babe,
I'm going to jot down the thoughts I have tonight. This will probably be a mess, but I'll try it. Bear with me, please.
Whenever I don't have anything important to do, my thoughts always drift to you. Which either me I never have anything important to do, or think of you alot. Or everything else seems unimportant when I think of you. You decide.

****************************************************************

My love is a slave
to your voice
It yearns to hear you
your laughter, your tears

My love is a slave
to your eyes
It longs to stare into them
and become lost

My love is a slave
to your touch
It hungers to feel you
close against me

My love is a slave
to your life
It wants to be a part
of your very soul

My love is a slave
to your love
without it, I would be nothing
an empty shell

****************************************************************

You have no idea how much I just want to hug you at work. Which of course, is totally impossible. Just a hug, a touch, anything.

I know you get upset when things get a little intense as far as fooling around goes. I said it before, but is is natural when two people are attracted to each other, that's going to happen. Please try to roll with it. It's one of my ways of showing you how much I love you, how much I care.

****************************************************************

No, I would hope you know me better than to think I'm thinking with my dick. I react in a typical male manner, because that's what I am. It takes a lot to over-ride 4 million years of conditioning.

****************************************************************

Just thought I let you know how much I like to watch you laugh. Your eyes light up whenever you do it, and it's one of the things I really love about you.

5/16/2006


Falling To Pieces
(Scott Weiland,
Velvet Revolver, 2004)

It's been a long year
Since you've been gone
I've been here alone
I've grown old
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and still falling

Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

I keep a journal of memories
I'm feeling lonely, I can't breathe
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

All the years I've tried
With more to go
Will the memories die
I'm waiting
Will I find you
Can I find you
We're falling down
I'm falling

Crashing Down

5/15/06
cdf
for LLF


Since you’ve been gone
I’ve had a reoccurring dream
I’m trapped in a house
On fire, crashing down around me
Fire and smoke,
Chaos and destruction,
Noise and fury
All around me.
I’m searching frantically
In a panic trying to
Find an avenue of escape.
Through the din and haze
A light shines brightly
And a shadowy figure
Hastens me to
Follow them.
As I emerge from the
Fiery hell behind me
The identity of my
Mysterious rescuer
Becomes clear.
It’s you.
In my real life you’ve rescued me
More times than
I can count.
I’m eternally in your debt
And for that I love you.

5/15/2006

Fixes

It's hard to believe another weekend has come and gone. The weather around here has been shitty, not really good for doing anything outside. I need to do some riding, or fishing, or something, anything to get me out of this house and up off my ass! I find myself sometimes just sitting around here feeling sorry for myself. I really need to quit that, and GET MOVING! Lori stopped by last Thursday and then we talked Friday and Saturday on the phone. I have reason for a small measure of hope, although this is more work than I ever imagined. All of my adult life, I've been a fixer. It just comes naturally to me. The possiblilty exists for me to "fix" this, but most things have quicker results. But nothing has been more important to me than this. With the exception of my daughters, this woman means more to me than anyone ever has. I don't know if I expected a quick fix, but I now realize that this is a LOT of work. But like all things worthwhile, I'll keep plugging along, and living my life in the process!

5/11/2006

Projects

I started and finished a project yesterday that I've been putting off for 2 months now. I built a bed. The reason I've been procrastinating is that it was painful to sleep in the bedroom where I spent so many nights next to Lori. I know this sounds a little like me being a wuss. Now the hard part will be to get my self to sleep in it. At least on the couch, it's just big enough for me. The bed is bigger, and will bring on some feelings of emptiness, I'm sure. I'll just have to see how it goes.
I also planted the flower garden last Sunday. Mom said the front of the house looked a little lonely. On one side I planted what she and I always planted. On the other side I tried something a little different, so will just have to see how that turns out. I don't want anyone to think just because I'm living alone, that I'm letting everything go to hell in a handbasket. Just a little personal statement.

5/01/2006

Words of Wisdom

Got this in an E-mail this morning and thought I'd share:

"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away".
a - z LYRICS

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