4/30/2006

Random musings

this is an audio post - click to play

Beth's birthday...


Tomorrow is my youngest's daughter's 21st birthday. I was thinking today how proud I am of her and what a lovely young woman she's become. Happy Birthday, babe, I love you!

4/27/2006

Memories and loss





Was going through some pictures yesterday for my daughter's 21st birthday project when I came across these. These were taken in August of 2000, on the occasion of my best friend's funeral. He had committed suicide by jumping off a large bridge near here. There was no apparent reason for his death, and I don't think to this day, anyone has a handle on the whole thing. I'd known Mike for 30 years prior to this, and had always considered him the best friend I'd ever had. We spend our teenage years growing up together, living only 2 blocks apart. I worked, and still do, with his step-mother. She was the one that called me at home and told me. To say I was devastated was putting it mildly. This happened 2 days before my 44th birthday, and needless to say. I will always remember that one as the one when I lost my best friend. Lori stood by me at the wake and held me as I cried at the cemetary. I visit him regularly when I'm at the folk's. I have always regretted that I never told him more often what he meant to me, and I didn't get a chance to before he died. I kind of blamed myself for his death, in a way, as we sometimes do when this occurs. I'm not going to make the same mistake with Lori I made with Mike. I tell her every day I love her, in an E-mail or instant message. I don't want that to be another memory of loss in my life.

4/23/2006

My dragons


My friend Risky's post from today is a profound series of thoughts. Yes. we all have our dragons to struggle with daily. Lately, I've wondered if the dragons aren't getting the upper hand sometimes. I am struggling with several things that at times seem insurmountable. But they're not. I know with a lot of hard work and soul-searching, my dragons will be vanquished.

4/17/2006

Means


I wrote this for Lori for her birthday, '95 or '96. I'd forgotten it, but it all still applies, and I'm adding more to it. This is the original.


I’m starting this early so that by the time your birthday rolls around, it will be ready and I’ll make sure I say everything I want to say. There probably isn’t enough paper on the planet for this, but I’m going to give it a shot anyway, so here goes.
What do you mean to me? I ask myself that alot and every time I do I come up with a different answer. Every day I find something new and exciting about you. Sometimes it’s hard to put into words. You mean discussions and debates about the merits of this and that. You mean watching you put on your makeup, a work of art, in the morning. You mean walks around the lake as we tell each other our days adventures. You mean making sure the Downy gets in and sometimes leaving the lid up. You mean helping you shop at Econo Foods. You mean being with you for 4 wonderful days at sea and in the Bahamas. You mean not always agreeing on everything. You mean listening to you telling me stuff about your family. You mean doing things for you because I want to. You mean getting my nose tweaked. You mean me and you and the adventures of Mr. Smiley. You mean more happiness than I’ve ever had or am entitled to. You mean a collection of dimes. You mean “In These Arms” and “Bed of Roses”. You mean slow dancing at the Christmas party. You mean watching the soaps together. You mean Viennetta and Dairy Queen. You mean Burger King and Happy Meals. You mean Wal-Mart and the mall. You mean Cracker Barrel and cooking out at the Kerchner’s. You mean Michael Bolton and Aerosmith. You mean Seaworld and getting sick on the rides. You mean having your picture on my computer. You mean writing the best love poems of all time, just for you. You mean lazy days of just making out. You mean intense sessions of lovemaking. You mean just watching you.
You mean gentle rain and the way it makes you sleepy. You mean kittens and cats. You mean orange juice and ice cream sandwiches and Dilly Bars. You mean red teddies and flannel nightgowns. You mean worn-out bras and holey underwear. You mean respect and a new understanding of women. You mean hazy sunsets and brilliant sunrises alone thinking about you. You mean brushing your beautiful hair after you take a shower. You mean telling you how sexy you are, even though you don’t think so. You mean doing your dishes just the way you want them done. You mean a night at Howard Johnson’s after Aerosmith, just relaxing. You mean missing you when we’re fighting, and crying into my pillow. You mean being sorry alot, and never being able to explain enough. You mean renting “those movies”, and wishing the people in them were you and I. You mean watching you work from my office and glowing inside when you laugh. You mean watching you struggle with something and wishing I could help, and being there when you’re down. You mean covering you when you’re cold and cooling you down when you’re hot. You mean getting water dumped on me, and spots on the bedspread. You mean never spending enough time with you, and giving you your room. You mean not wanting to change you, but accepting you for who you are. You mean not believing in destiny, but knowing you and I are more than just happenstance. You mean watching you solve a problem and then second-guess yourself. You mean watching you play with your kids, and then worry about them to me. You mean being upset, when you’re upset, and glad when you’re happy. You mean knowing that sometimes you’re not very happy, and hating myself for it. You mean cold winter nights and hot summer days. You mean my hand getting squeezed until my fingers were white because you were afraid. You mean walking hand in hand on a white sand beach in Nassau at the Blue Lagoon. You mean going parking after work and your first time for something. You mean Cherryvale and Christmas shopping. You mean 2-day suspensions and standing up for what I believe in. You mean trying not to say bad things about your mom, because she is your mom, and anybody that created you can’t be all bad. You mean giving me shit about eating your food. You mean me burning your steak and you eating it anyway. You mean Maurices and The Sycamore Shop. You mean giving me shit about me liking Star Trek, and then letting me watch it anyway. You mean trying to talk at 2 in the morning. You mean saving pop cans and bowls of cereal. You mean rubbing your butt and “no funny ideas”. You mean a single rose for no other reason than I love you. You mean missing you when you’re gone and farts that don’t smell. You mean trips to the laundromat and trying explaining to you the appeal of fishing. You mean dreaming about you at night and waking to thoughts of you every day. You mean wishing I could give you more and knowing someday I’ll be able to. You mean coming back and telling me somebody there would like to see you and me already knowing and being scared anyway.
You mean cans of pop and taking breaks. You mean listening to your sighs and moans as we make love. You mean knowing I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. You mean watching you as you sleep and thinking how beautiful you are. You mean permission slips and leaving a light on. You mean weekends with you and thinking of your “rose”. You mean falling apart in front of you and trying to explain why. You mean eating right and eating right. You mean emotional highs and teeter-totters. You mean knowing what you mean before you say it. You mean being right 99.999% of the time. You mean crossing the line one too many times, and realizing how stupid it was. You mean talking to my mom until one in the morning. You mean scaring you and not meaning to. You mean being wrong and trying to tell you. You mean knowing all I have are hopes and dreams, and wishing someday that you’d share in them. You mean being sure and going home at 4 in the morning. You mean not knowing why I can’t leave. You mean dessert and leg rubs that sometimes stop at that and sometimes don’t.
You mean starting this project and knowing there wasn’t going to be enough time to say all the things I want to say, but starting it anyway. You mean being so in love with you it’s scary, but staying in love with you anyway. I know that this is incomplete, and I hope I have a chance to add many more “you means” to the list. Happy birthday, babe! I love you

...my life for you

4/16/2006

Burning at 100 miles per hour

I think some of the problem with Lori and I was that we never learned to be friends first. Right from the beginning it was this blowtorch kind of relationship, a lot of fire, but if your'e not careful tends to destroy everything around it. I just was so enamored with her, and she with me we never took the time. It's like driving 100 mph in a car without any brakes, you get the thrill of pure speed and adrenaline, you know at the end it's not going to be pretty, but you do it anyway. And we were both guilty. I think if we had slowed down and became better friends first, a lot of what happened with us would not have happened. But who was I to complain, I was happy, the sex was hot, and got hotter, and I think we both just got sucked into the blowtorch mentality. That's something I'd change. And I will, if the chance arises again.

4/15/2006

4/15/06

In the still of the night
sometimes I awaken, and
reach to touch you, but
then I remember
that you're
not here.

I can feel you
next to me
I can smell you
next to me, but
then I remember
that you're not here

Sometimes during the day
I daydream
hearing your voice
feeling your touch, but
then I remember
you're not here

Resting..

I was wondering, after posting a couple of poems, I've written to Lori over the years, if that's a wise choice. The feelings expressed are the same, but will it be perceived as resting on my laurels, so to speak. That is the last thing I want to do. I just want to remind her that I believe we're worth saving, and these are an expression of that hope. Comments welcome!!

More.....



Just some more of my stuff to her.
Again just click on the poem to make it easier to read.

4/13/2006

An early one..





As I've said in previous posts, I have tons of stuff I've written Lori over the years. I'd like to start with this one. Although not the earliest, the sentiment still is true. Just click on the poem if you have trouble reading it!

Back home....

I was going through some of the things I've written Lori over the years. Some of them were hard to read without thinking about the mistakes I've made. Some of them made me realize that no matter what I've done or the damage I've caused, that I'm still very much in love with her. The things that I fell in love with are still there. The good heart, the warm smile, the sparkling eyes. All those things I see, even now when I look at her. As soon as I get a scanner, I'm going to start scanning them and the trying to get them on here. At the very least, I'll send her one a day. She needs to know that my feelings for her have not changed. I may have gotten lost, but now I think I'm starting to find my way back home.

4/12/2006

More homework

C: I have a lot of time and stuff invested in this life, why not live it...
R: ok...THAT is your next assignment...to write in your blog about that last statement!!!

So begins my next assignment. What I meant by that comment was that really, life's just too short to not explore it to the fullest. Right now, I'm exploring what it's like to live alone. That in itself is sometime an adventure. But you know, life's an adventure, so I might as well hang on and enjoy the ride. Try new things, go different places, meet new people, listen to their ideas. I would like to take Lori along for the ride, but right now we have things to work on. I'm hoping one day she sees I'm not a big a jerk as she thinks I am right now. So I'm just living life to the fullest, and taking things one day at a time.

4/09/2006

too close...

My friend Risky's post for today struck a raw nerve. Kind of like someone sticking a hot poker in my heart. Not that I didn't like it, but it hit really close to home for me. Check it out. Just click on the link for her in the Links section on the sidebar.

4/08/2006

Touch

Sitting here with my first cup of coffee and my first cigarette, I am struck by how much technology has changed, even in my lifetime. We are attached(pun intended) to our cell phones, PDAs, laptops, desktops, DVDs, CDs, MP3 players and the like. Our lives sometimes seem to revolve around our "devices". We panic in an area with a bad cell signal, or get angry when the local video store is all out of the latest release. We have to have the the latest, fastest widgets and gadgets that we can get our hands on. And I am no more or no less dependent on these things than anyone else. Take this blog, for example. Ten years ago, in the infancy of the Internet, there weren't any blogs, Yet this morning, I'm sitting at a computer in a little town in Illinois,writing down my thoughts, observations and feelings, with the potential that they could be read by millions of people. It boggles the mind. My grandmother, who died in 1999 at the age of 96, could never grasp the concept of how a cell phone worked. My daughters will see advances that I won't be able to grasp. Yet some times I wonder whether we, with all our technological prowess, have somehow removed the human factor from communication. It's hard to send a hug, a touch, or a smile in an E-mail or text message. I think my gramma would be awestruck, and a little worried.

4/07/2006

Homework II

Lori stopped by for awhile today to drop off some things. Lisa was here so she stayed about an hour and we all sat around chatting. I wanted so bad after Lisa left to just hold her, but the time's not right. It was hard watching her drive away. I don't think I will ever get used to that. It's hard but necessary work to win her trust back. I am again reminded of just how stupid I have really been. All I can keep doing is making sure she knows how I feeling. And I hope she can see that I HAVE changed.

4/04/2006

Homework?

R. (4/4/06 7:48:42 PM): I want you to write a piece on what it feels like to a man who has had his head up his ass and seemingly lost the woman he now realizes he loves.
C. (4/4/06 7:49:13 PM): oh goody, homework!

And therein lies the name of this post. This is gonna be a killer, not only because it's frakking HOMEWORK, but because of the subject matter. Bear with me while I try to get the shit out of my hair and get started.

How do I feel? For starters, I feel like an idiot! I still can't figure out what the fuck I was thinking. Taking a chance on losing the best thing that's ever happened to me, just to score a piece of ass. Stupid, stupid. Did I honestly think it was worth the risk. It just seems to totally fucked up right now. I am feeling just a little lonely and down. She stopped by tonight for as minute, and I was again reminded of what I've seemingly lost. The feel of her skin against mine, the smell of her hair. Her gentle touch. Her companionship and love. I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek when she left. I haven't just realized I now love her, I've been in love with her for the whole time. It's pretty obvious, to even the uninformed, how I'm feeling.

The Rules:

As R keeps pointing out, women make the rules, and just when we men think we've got them figured out, they change them. I found this on the net, and thought they were very funny, and also very true!!

http://ifaq.wap.org/sex/50rulesformen.html

4/03/2006

Random stuff.....


Women and cats will do as they please,
and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A Heinlein
You don't love a woman because she is beautiful , but she is beautiful because you love her

I am going to embarass her, but.....

I'll bet I have told Lori this a thousand times if not more. She's going to roll her eyes when she reads this. That woman has the finest ass this world has ever seen!! Bar none. I used to sit in the bathroom and just wait for her to catch a glimpse of that booty. I would follow behind her when we were walking somplace just to gaze. It drove me nuts then, and it still drives me nuts. I KNOW what she's going to say, that sex isn't the only thing in a relationship, but that's an issue for later. I would give up food, sleep, work, anything just to touch the fineness that is Lori's ass. Love ya, babe!!!

4/02/2006

Don't Ask Me...

Saw this on the web somewhere. Thought it applied to how I'm feeling about Lori.

Don't ask me . . .
I'm not begging you to love me.
I'm not really even asking you.
But, isn't it alright
If I cherish that hope in my heart..
If I dream of just holding your hand,
It will hurt me - not you.
I will try to keep my eyes from shining
When they see you.
And I promise
I will try not to smile a special smile
When you say hello.
but, please
Don't ask me
Not to love you . . .

A Different View...

As you may or may not know, anything I write is simply my perceptions of events. And, as with any conflict, there are different ways to look at the situation. I got a phone call from Lori today. She was upset, saying that what I had written made her look like a "bitch". I tried to point out that this was not my intention, but I simply wrote down what I was feeling at the time. And she, quite rightly, pointed out that some of the things I perceived from her I was guilty of myself. The "snarky" tone of voice, the withdrawal of attention and affection. Most of what I said she was, I was, too. I'll admit I too, was guilty. I just thought I should set the record straight on this matter . I never have thought she was bitch. I am done focusing on the negative here. From now on, I want to focus on the reasons I fell in love with her in the first place, and why am still in love with her. You know, after she left, I asked myself whether I really did, and I came to the conclusion that I do. I know it's not logical, but who said love is logical. I realize that a lot of what I've written has been me trying to sort things out, but I believe now it's time to tell her how I'm feeling now. That I am not he same man she left, that I'm more focused and determined than before to make a joyous future for her and I. I need to let her know that. I don't expect instant results, but just want her to know that my attention is entirely refocused on her. I forgot that for awhile. I know that there is hard work ahead. She knows me, but doesn't really "know" me. I'd like to change that.
a - z LYRICS

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