Sick, huh?

I’ve been going over events of the last 12 years in my head. I know, sick huh? I keep seeing times we had together and things we did together. All the trips to Ohio. The camping trip to Kettle Morraine. Redoing the house after we moved in. The cruise to the Bahamas. I can’t shake the feeling there is something she’s not telling me and has been going on for the last twelve years. My gut tells me there is something definitely not right. Friends have suggested maybe I’m just grasping a straws here, trying to inject logic into a situation without logic. I don’t know about that, but I just can’t shake this feeling. I guess I’ll find out today or tomorrow.
Another thought that keeps running through my mind is this. I know for a fact that their's was a virtually sexless marriage long before I met her. Now, after 12 years, she's gone from whenever she wanted it, to none. I'm safe, a proven commodity. From her point of view, I'm very unlikly to turn her down. I never could. Hell, when we were in bed we were GOOD! What scares me is that she's probably right! I'm don't think I have the strength or willpower to resist her if she proposes some kind of "enhanced friends" relationship. I am well aware of the danger of this. This leaves me vulnerable to all kinds of emotional damage. Just another hook? Could be. I can't tell at this point. I don't think I can disengage my penis from my heart with her. I never could, even if she thought all we were doing was just "fucking". My, what a twisted web we weave!! I've thought about sending her the link for this blog, but my fear is then it will just turn out to be a big bitch forum between her and I, and I've had enough fighting with her at this point.