a letter to Lori...

You know, you said tonite that I am gonna think what I want and you’re gonna think what you want and that’s just the way it is. That very true, you also said that I am the way I am, and you are the way you are. Also true. As I said then I am very willing to try and understand why you do some of the things you do, but I get the impression that you’re not interested in how I feel or why I sometimes do the things that I do. Doesn’t seem fair. Seems pretty one sided. I know, I’m fond of the saying "life’s a bitch and then you die"., but you know what I may have to revise that statement.. I know I have hurt you in ways that I cannot even imagine. It breaks my heart that I have done this to you! And I will fully admit to my mistakes as far as we are concerned. I fucked up, OK? I know this. My point tonight was that you have done things in the last 12 years that have wounded me deeply, but I said nothing. Simply because I didn’t want a confrontation or that you’d think I was being unreasonable. By doing some of the things we discussed tonight, I felt like I wasn’t important to you, and I felt that you weren't taking our relationship seriously enough to want to hear my opinion on the subject. Have I ever told you the night you and Chad went to his 20 year reunion, I got so stinkingly drunk uptown at the Sweetcorn Festival, that I almost got arrested for public drunkenness? No I haven’t because you would have thought I was just being stupid. When what I was really trying to do was kill the pain. It felt like you were just going with him to avoid a confrontation with him, without thinking about how it made me feel! While I’ve learned, and should’ve known then, was that the alcohol only kills the pain until it wears off, then the situation is still there. At which point you can either drink some more, or bury it so deep so you don’t have to feel it. I chose to bury it, in as much as I’m not a big drinker to start with. It has taken it’s toll. I adored you then and I adore you now, but came to resent the fact that it seemed that my feelings about this were unimportant to you. Then guilt began to set in about the resentment. A vicious circle! How can I resent someone I’m in love with? It’s not right. So then I stuffed the resentment and the guilt down with the pain and it’s just sat there and festered for a long time. Not a good combination. I should have told you, but was afraid. Afraid of hurting you. Afraid you’d leave. Afraid that you would think I was being weak! You name it, I was afraid of it. But you know, the time has come for me to go "all in" as they say. I’m in love with you, and I have been since the minute I laid eyes on you. I have made mistakes in our relationship I’m not proud of! I hurt you when I should have been thinking of you only and I am sorry. Just thought you need to know this. Talk to you later.