Means

I wrote this for Lori for her birthday, '95 or '96. I'd forgotten it, but it all still applies, and I'm adding more to it. This is the original.


I’m starting this early so that by the time your birthday rolls around, it will be ready and I’ll make sure I say everything I want to say. There probably isn’t enough paper on the planet for this, but I’m going to give it a shot anyway, so here goes.
What do you mean to me? I ask myself that alot and every time I do I come up with a different answer. Every day I find something new and exciting about you. Sometimes it’s hard to put into words. You mean discussions and debates about the merits of this and that. You mean watching you put on your makeup, a work of art, in the morning. You mean walks around the lake as we tell each other our days adventures. You mean making sure the Downy gets in and sometimes leaving the lid up. You mean helping you shop at Econo Foods. You mean being with you for 4 wonderful days at sea and in the Bahamas. You mean not always agreeing on everything. You mean listening to you telling me stuff about your family. You mean doing things for you because I want to. You mean getting my nose tweaked. You mean me and you and the adventures of Mr. Smiley. You mean more happiness than I’ve ever had or am entitled to. You mean a collection of dimes. You mean “In These Arms” and “Bed of Roses”. You mean slow dancing at the Christmas party. You mean watching the soaps together. You mean Viennetta and Dairy Queen. You mean Burger King and Happy Meals. You mean Wal-Mart and the mall. You mean Cracker Barrel and cooking out at the Kerchner’s. You mean Michael Bolton and Aerosmith. You mean Seaworld and getting sick on the rides. You mean having your picture on my computer. You mean writing the best love poems of all time, just for you. You mean lazy days of just making out. You mean intense sessions of lovemaking. You mean just watching you.
You mean gentle rain and the way it makes you sleepy. You mean kittens and cats. You mean orange juice and ice cream sandwiches and Dilly Bars. You mean red teddies and flannel nightgowns. You mean worn-out bras and holey underwear. You mean respect and a new understanding of women. You mean hazy sunsets and brilliant sunrises alone thinking about you. You mean brushing your beautiful hair after you take a shower. You mean telling you how sexy you are, even though you don’t think so. You mean doing your dishes just the way you want them done. You mean a night at Howard Johnson’s after Aerosmith, just relaxing. You mean missing you when we’re fighting, and crying into my pillow. You mean being sorry alot, and never being able to explain enough. You mean renting “those movies”, and wishing the people in them were you and I. You mean watching you work from my office and glowing inside when you laugh. You mean watching you struggle with something and wishing I could help, and being there when you’re down. You mean covering you when you’re cold and cooling you down when you’re hot. You mean getting water dumped on me, and spots on the bedspread. You mean never spending enough time with you, and giving you your room. You mean not wanting to change you, but accepting you for who you are. You mean not believing in destiny, but knowing you and I are more than just happenstance. You mean watching you solve a problem and then second-guess yourself. You mean watching you play with your kids, and then worry about them to me. You mean being upset, when you’re upset, and glad when you’re happy. You mean knowing that sometimes you’re not very happy, and hating myself for it. You mean cold winter nights and hot summer days. You mean my hand getting squeezed until my fingers were white because you were afraid. You mean walking hand in hand on a white sand beach in Nassau at the Blue Lagoon. You mean going parking after work and your first time for something. You mean Cherryvale and Christmas shopping. You mean 2-day suspensions and standing up for what I believe in. You mean trying not to say bad things about your mom, because she is your mom, and anybody that created you can’t be all bad. You mean giving me shit about eating your food. You mean me burning your steak and you eating it anyway. You mean Maurices and The Sycamore Shop. You mean giving me shit about me liking Star Trek, and then letting me watch it anyway. You mean trying to talk at 2 in the morning. You mean saving pop cans and bowls of cereal. You mean rubbing your butt and “no funny ideas”. You mean a single rose for no other reason than I love you. You mean missing you when you’re gone and farts that don’t smell. You mean trips to the laundromat and trying explaining to you the appeal of fishing. You mean dreaming about you at night and waking to thoughts of you every day. You mean wishing I could give you more and knowing someday I’ll be able to. You mean coming back and telling me somebody there would like to see you and me already knowing and being scared anyway.
You mean cans of pop and taking breaks. You mean listening to your sighs and moans as we make love. You mean knowing I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. You mean watching you as you sleep and thinking how beautiful you are. You mean permission slips and leaving a light on. You mean weekends with you and thinking of your “rose”. You mean falling apart in front of you and trying to explain why. You mean eating right and eating right. You mean emotional highs and teeter-totters. You mean knowing what you mean before you say it. You mean being right 99.999% of the time. You mean crossing the line one too many times, and realizing how stupid it was. You mean talking to my mom until one in the morning. You mean scaring you and not meaning to. You mean being wrong and trying to tell you. You mean knowing all I have are hopes and dreams, and wishing someday that you’d share in them. You mean being sure and going home at 4 in the morning. You mean not knowing why I can’t leave. You mean dessert and leg rubs that sometimes stop at that and sometimes don’t.
You mean starting this project and knowing there wasn’t going to be enough time to say all the things I want to say, but starting it anyway. You mean being so in love with you it’s scary, but staying in love with you anyway. I know that this is incomplete, and I hope I have a chance to add many more “you means” to the list. Happy birthday, babe! I love you

...my life for you