Pain

I was just sitting here after eating a late lunch, and thinking about a few things. I’m not sure any of it makes any sense, and I know I’ve been over this a hundred times in my head. I’ve putzed around here since March, occupying myself with little projects. Painting, gardening, cleaning, and recleaning. I’d like to think I’m doing OK, but when it comes right down to it, I’m just doing all those things so I don’t feel any pain.
I really haven’t put myself into anything. It’s like I’m an automaton, just going through the motions, and moving on impulse and instinct. Not feeling anything. Maybe that’s normal, but if I slow down, it’s going to hurt, and I’m sure I’m not going to deal with that well. Don't get me wrong. I'm not about to start sitting here and wallowing in self-pity. Those things are not in my nature. But sometimes it takes a monumental effort to push that away. But I will continue to do so. I'm not going to let this pain be my undoing!